unhappy

father-unhappy 95% of the time.
always liking to put people down.
so how can i be happy?
mother-always contradicting oneself.
talked abt cousin relationship, said i had a cousin bond, but cousin but not friend.
interrupted by saying, if u are so close, go and meet her.
i explained that its a cousin bond, not cousin plus friend.
meeting only when necessary.
go and say that she is very close with her cousin.
narcisstic and histronic personality disorder.
and told my aunt abt my issue, say apples vs orange, then now compare a level vs poly.
if a level like so stress, poly is slack.
still cannot do it.
and i feel happier hanging out with people.
being alone makes me unhappy and ruminate, and there are no distractions.

in sec 1, I was able to memorize everything(humanities subj) by reading the bk once...
n scored A1....
feeling so tired.

really high on the fix it mentality

if something's broken, i want it fixed.
if a laptop is spoilt, it shld be fixed.
i really like analytical and logical people.
what frustrates me is: when a problem cannot be fixed this way.
and the emotional comfort part? u need loads of it.
because the problem still isn't solved.
i'm abnormal, i'm weird. because i disliked my own name, and i was very vain and i didn't like wearing spectacles, and i was curious abt dicks at the age of 4.
maybe i have a different brain, or incredible self awareness.
really, enough is enough.
being ridiculous and saying that my father gave me meds(in primary 1)
and they called me crazy....wtf.>< how untrue was that?
and i think my mum said that  i  have a hole in my heart....but it wasn't fixed.
i have severe myopia, i could go blind anytime.
i have acute sinusitis, and i lay in bed and i have muscle cramps, my face hurts, and my head is woozy and i have dizzy spells.
i have scoliosis, and they said it was worsening, and it scared the shit out of me.
i used to have asthma.
and they said i may have flat feet.
the teacher speculated that i could be autistic.
and at 11 years old, i wrote an essay abt suicide.....
and i did a lot of silly things.
i felt like a grown up at 11 years old, yet i'm not a fast learner.
i read jodi picoult books at 13 yrs old.

amanda todd....me.....

really, do not let the haters win.
if u let them get under your skin, they win.
i would rather fight tooth and nail than feel sad because of the ostracism.
well, amanda todd had nude pics and stuff circulating online, and the bullies kept pestering her.
also, she slept with one guy who had a girlfriend.
she had severe issues and took her life several times.
there is a lot of discussion, and a  lot of sympathy.
a lot of people saying that she is weak too.
RIP.
and 2 things which came to mind were;
1. people never let go of your past.
how is it different? your past from primary school will follow you to sec sch.....and your past from sec sch will follow u to poly etc.
2. people are judgemental and they judge the severity of everyone's problems.
nah, i won't go into detail abt my problems here.
peter houghton(fiction), the girl who felt that she could not perform academically, and other people, gosh, we are just the same inside.....

rehashing

i don't fucking know why i have to keep reiterating my point.
i'm going to make angsty posts, because if i make sad ones, people will say: its a trivial thing, get over it.
or they will say:"don't diagnose yourself with depression."
i don't have depression, but i am an angsty teen.
okay, fine, ur issues are trivial as well.
been feeling really hopeless these days.

issue 1: 

i really don't like this diploma, and the advantages are not advantages, as those are not valid points.
1. in other professions u have to OT. work your butt off.
u have to work your butt off in accountancy jobs too.
2. its a stable job.
accountancy may be phased out by the new wave of computing technology.
3. u know,  nobody can take this job away from u.
unlike other jobs, which are outsourced to foreigners.
no anti-foreigner sentiment here, just that it is no different from other jobs in this aspect.
and i really cannot do the internship properly.
it is impossible.
so i am not going to rely on my diploma.
but:
1. find a private institution
i may consider digipen or sim
i don't like the others
yet u tell me to consider other institutes.
2.  join the low-wage workers.....
i don't mind, but stop controlling me.
in my desperate bid to earn money, i could do everything and anything.
so, will i have financial problems? yes.
even now, when i work for my internship, i have to buy clothes, spend on transport.
not normal clothes. working clothes which cost tons of money.....
and some other jobs also ask you to pay for your "uniform" etc. which sucks.

issue 2:
i have been diagnosed with some health problems since young.
but the one thing which bugs me is this: can people just fking shut up? if u have nothing nice to say, please stop spreading rumours....and why are people so mean?
1. either they try to make use of u
modelling scams, trying to buy friendship in school, and some people even stated they are trying to make use of me. disgusting pricks, go away.
2. or they spread rumours
tell them your vulnerabilities, and they will spread those things like wildfire, the next day.
3. random strangers...telling you about their problems.
when they call u, and they go off topic when they try to sell a product, or look for employees etc.
4. people telling me abt their problems, and saying that i don't have those.
excuse me, i was targeted for physical, emotional, and mental abuse in sec sch.
and i suffered way more than u did.
and now, i cannot tell if people are really being mean to me, or its my imagination.
issue 3: 
forget about those problems that i have.....
people problems are really problems that i detest.....
and beaten by parents? i have been beaten by my parents too.
except now, my threshold for pain has gone way too high.
tattooing, piercing, waxing, injections.
i think a tiny spank would not do much.
i'm still too scared to cut myself on my wrists.
and hello....
when u say:"oh, someone just said your tummy is getting bigger and now you are dieting...."
oh, there are millions of people targeted for their weight issues and they developed anorexia.
academic failure? you can get back up on your feet again. yea. that's what they always say.
but strangely, people just become suicidal for academic issues.
can you still blame me?
in secondary school, i was so fking miserable. i ate alone, in the library. only two slices of bread....
or a watermelon.....at recess. cause' i felt ostracised, and i couldn't bring a packet of rice to eat in the library. it would be too conspicuous.
in this stupid workplace, i only eat one bun for lunch.
i wanted to write my own personal story, but it would end up as a sob story again. so, i believe in getting angry at people and things, but i am not going to get depressed over them, if i can.
so what do i have? anorexia? depression? nothing.
either people are too scared to diagnose me, because' i have different symptoms of different illnesses, or i seriously do not have any clear-cut signs to warrant one right now.
i'm so confused...esp if someone says that i have anxiety but no depression.
oh, so i have a disorder now.
turns out that i still don't have one.
borrowed 2 books from the library.
its funny how people think that things are really trivial.
until another person with the same problem, goes over the edge, literally.
i don't want to talk about why i go clubbing....
1. i like the attention
2. i like my alter-ego, and i like feeling confident and happy.
3. i forget about the ostracism
and i want my catharsis to become a career: writing(nobody reads emo books....i have 12 blogs filled with self-hate and emo stuff)...., being a heavy-metal vocalist(i can't scream for hours)....so there is game creation left....(halo reach, call of duty....nobody gets bored of FPS).....so i have to hang on to the dream of being a game creator overseas....and being able to translate french texts etc. for gaming websites, or becoming a french player mod.
thats what i was saying all along.
if i had my catharsis all the time, i would be happy.
why do i have to contest the fact that people are indeed talking bad about me?
and just think that it is an imagination?
and why do i have to put on a smile? when i am always thrusted into unhappy situations?
when people cannot cope with sch, they just quit.
when people hate their job, they just quit.
but for me, i can't.
and speaking of which, how do people survive, if they are young and unable to work?
can their parents support them forever?
and how do people ostracised by society survive? or controversial stars?
and when megan fox was experiencing a drought in her career....or when she had a dry spell in a career, what did she do to survive?
these are questions i am asking myself.
okay, if i am a mentally disabled person, i have to do jobs within my ability. and i shouldn't be trying to work my way up the corporate ladder. and i need accomodations.
if i am mentally ill,please give me a stress free environment and let me learn slowly on the job.
whatever the case, i hate being compared to ex-interns.
they were good.
and i hate representing a school or organisation.
because i would be expected to perform, and i would be put on a pedestal.
if i were to die now, i don't believe that i would go to hell.
i have been a nice person in spite of difficult circumstances, though those circumstances do make me a mean person, sometimes.
but i have stopped spreading rumours since ages ago.
i have not ganged up against anyone since ages ago.
i have tried to help people in whatever way i can.
despite me complaining abt my problems, i do community work whenever i have the time.
who's the bad guy here?
even when i party hard, or do rebellious things, it does not affect you.
those things make me feel in control.
otherwise,  i think i would do really outrageous things.
and if i do really outrageous things, i think they would remand me for some kind of evaluation.
the breaking point, when i really feel suicidal, is when my parents call me a useless person, or say that i'm a burden.

tl;dr: people are making my life difficult all the time. there are some really nice people.
but a lot of people are making my life difficult. maybe its in the past.
but i cannot move on, when u talk about my past....and talk about me.
or maybe because of the past, i imagine that this is happening right now....
and i do have more problems than i care to disclose.
and for some people who really developed medical problems, some of them really had the same exact problems, less problems, more problems, and the severity of those problems may have differed from mine.

you see, this is how catharsis works.
penning this down, or typing it out makes me feel a lot better.

this could be the final blow which marks my descent into madness..
melancholic. Songs in the classroom.
my blogs. My story. Mu life.