flamboyant

i am a very flamboyant and irritating person.
they say that people with personality disorders and bipolar disorder etc. mood disorders gravitate towards showbiz.
gosh. i gravitate towards showbiz.
and the part abt mental illness on tv and people not seeking treatment or taking medicine, gosh.
i prefer not to be ordinary.
not that im good at dancing or anything.
my personality is way OTT.

this is becoming a rubbish blog now. Naturally, I thought, hmm centeni said bye n made this song n kicked lady gangstapudding, so when he left, I said bye.

have to write down those nagging thoughts.
or i can't concentrate.

maybe the range of illnesses that i may actually have is greater than those of the girl who i read abt.....in teens magazine.
and also other stories.
when i was in sec3, i guess i was feeling a tad depressed. maybe suicidal already.
but i don't dare to reveal the true extent of it.
like the fact that i could sleep for 3 hours only. or i could sleep for 14 hours.
just to escape.
dancing at a club is a way to escape too.
or when i really feel like dying.
i mean, 90 bucks for an emergency. i can't pay that money. my parents will kill me.
like, whether the fact that people are talking bad abt me, is 100% true, or 50% true.
i will always go with 50% sure, or maybe 70% sure at most.
i can't say that its 100%, even if its true.
it would mean that im beyond hope.
on the bright side, there are other ccas that i could join.
all is not lost.

note to self: blog, forum 1, forum 2

im slipping under

the feeling of rejection is awful. just plain awful.
in secondary school, i was fking lucky.
was chosen for volleyball cause they thought i was tall.
im actually average. 1.63m.
plus, i think the dance routine was based on flexibility.
so i think i got chosen for the tryouts. table tennis, dance, and volleyball.
got posted to international dance. but then they told me i am a lousy dancer, but i got to stay.
but i had to be committed and not cocky.
i admit that i was a bit cocky, but gradually i acknowledged that i am a crappy dancer.
and they have this open-door policy, so they don't care that much about your chereography.
i am a crappy dancer anyway.

2 posts which reflect how i am:
http://schizoincognito.com/2014/01/04/i-just-want-to-be-like-everyone-else-but-im-not-i-am-mentally-ill/
http://schizoincognito.com/2014/01/06/having-a-mental-illness-is-embarrassing/
things got real bad, drunk alcohol with friends, popped 4 lozenges as an act of defiance, drunk laxatives....
i got myself into reckless situations, and got into traumatic stuff and unhappy job experiences.
maybe thats why i am not okay.
but when i entered poly, i left the past behind.
i decided to leave dancing behind, and my memory was crap.
but i could cope with the modules.
and plus, i was in the sub-comm of a cca, so i tried to prove my mettle.
took up french.
things started going downhill.
lost my church friends. lost big groups of friends.
back to unpopular, ostracised girl again.
couldn't cope with schoolwork, dealt with bullshit from groupwork.
got very bad tempered.
and my mum felt that there was sth wrong.
saw a counsellor, and got referrals.
and stuff went downhill, and eventually got better and plateaued.
but there are difficult situations and stuffs too.
when the meds are taken, difficult situations are easier to cope with.
without meds its fine.
until something unhappy happens and things go downhill again.
wish i could live in a blue condo, facing an azure blue pool.
and it would be so serene and tranquil.
and i wish i didn't have these thoughts.
and i would be so at peace with myself and everything would be fine.
thats why i want a condo.
idk why the forum link does not work now.
i can't turn on my phone, the feeling of rejection....i think i got rejected from bboys.
the feeling of rejection is going to hurt.

my mum said that i have to take the stupid drug or things would get worse. and she said that i do have a condition, otherwise, i would not experience these things.
she read up abt it.
she is knowledgeable now.


03.05.2014
today, my mood crashed. one day ago, i was so happy, i thought it would last forever....no, 2 days ago. until friday. i was an 8/10.
but i went for dancing tryouts, and i know that i don't have a chance. plus, for another dance audition, i think i didn't get in after talking to fellow aspiring dancers.
so i decided not to try out for choir and the others.
and my mum makes me feel embarassed abt taking medication and stuff.
and she say that its obvious that i have a condition.
but i have a tendency to downplay things.
Having a mental illness is embarrassing | Schizo Incognito
i think im getting audio and visual hallucinations.
its no joke.
i get really miserable, have psychotic symptoms, and have some anxiety.
and i don't tell my parents everything.
and people tell me that i don't have any conditions, and i am perfectly healthy.
even with medication, sometimes, things get a lil' too strong.
and they can't see my suffering.
like, maybe i can't hold down a job, and i will need to support myself financially, and pay for extra bills in future.
im petrified.
and i can't step out of the house, or talk to people because of these things.
and a few days ago, i was feeling fine and doing my homework.